My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
A dad and his duck
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet