Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now