@KalvinMacleod

How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?

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@iinkedZombie

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@Breadery

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

@3sunzzz

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

@RealLucasNeff

[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH