@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

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@KentWGraham

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@trevso_electric

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

@TheOnion

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@Tha1thtgotawy

Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it