To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
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Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?