How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

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To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!


Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!


Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how


Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.


Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.


Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time


I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?


I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.