How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

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I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude


‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.


“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.


When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.


*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*


Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous