I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
You Might Also Like
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me My dog
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
when u come home smelling like another dog
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.