@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

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@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@Chocovania

I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

@daemonic3

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

@Sophie2078

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

@AdamOfEarth

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.