How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

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2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.


I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.


Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?


“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm


Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…


Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.


Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.


MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.