“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.