How do you milk an almond?
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My favorite farside!!
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream