Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
my fav colour is also hitler
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.