How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.