Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
Do the right thing.
Not right away, but like after you get called out.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.