@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@AndyAsAdjective

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

@McNevich

Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.