How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.


[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine


my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend


Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.


[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church


Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.