@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@AbrasiveGhost

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

@Donna_McCoy

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@TheMichaelRock

A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@sluuttyyy

you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between

@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME