How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You Might Also Like
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.