How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos


Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.


What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉


*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*


Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.


See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.


me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food


I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.