How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
and now we wait
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.