@citizenkawala

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

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@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

@bornmiserable

Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

@briangaar

See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@FredTaming

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

@donni

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.