Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
You Might Also Like
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.