@lakeanagirl

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

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@DaddyJew

Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@dafloydsta

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@VerbsRProudest

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@daimonic0

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

@TheTweetOfGod

McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.