How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
You Might Also Like
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.