Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now