“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.