Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If cats could talk, they’d probably yell “PARKOUR” a lot.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.