“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Meowchelangelo
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready