@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

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@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@karenphotog

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.

@murrman5

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

@mommywhines

Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime