Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.
Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.
Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.