@heyliv_

How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?

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@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

@omgthatspunny

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@SteveKoehler22

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@TySmithdrums

When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.