Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
consequences, the bane of my existence
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.