@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

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@novicefather

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.

@LindseyEllison2

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@blaha_Who

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

@myboots111

I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.

@Adar79Angie

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.