How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.