“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.