@frankzulla

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

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@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

@hippieswordfish

before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

@asanders1972

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

@copymama

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@Reverend_Scott

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.