Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?
Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.