@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

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@sonictyrant

Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married

@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

@noog

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

@Dawn_M_

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@Social_Mime

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@joshbupkes

when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”