How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life