Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?
Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*
Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*
Date: actually i just remembered i’m married
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”