How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Well, this is awkward
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
this is funnier than any friends episode
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.