@ThisLocalHater

How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings

You Might Also Like

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@IamJackBoot

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

@nyquills

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

@PinkCamoTO

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!