friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
You Might Also Like
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
This meal prepping shit is easy
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.