How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings

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*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead


We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption


When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.


Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.


[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*


[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ


Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS


Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?





Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!