How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.