@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

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@tastefactory

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

@lolajxx

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@wickedsuga

If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

@EJGomez

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums