How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.