@TheAlexNevil

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

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@closetoclassy

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@DadandBuried

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

@liljonlovitz

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@drinksmcgee

[Park]

Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.

@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@Just_BCS

You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

@Sarcasticsapien

Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi’s mom and we all know it.