How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Generation gap…
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name