How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.