how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
…żyje?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.