@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

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@ValeeGrrl

My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@IamJackBoot

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

@GamerPres2020

I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.

@nbadag

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*

@Gupton68

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism