How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”


(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)


I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.


So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head


8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.


Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.


are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*


New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.


The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”


“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*