@omgthatspunny

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

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@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@UnFitz

I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.

@Bentono10

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

@ericsshadow

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

@Ristolable

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

@hardlyrelevant

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*