Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*