How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Yup….perfect score!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.