How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
It’s a gift
Smile Twitter, Smile.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.