How dramatic are you?
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i prefer mine room temperature.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Krampus.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead