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@iits_hassan: How dramatic are you?
@Lammergeared: Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
@perfect_messs: [during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don't you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
@donni: Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
@ThomasSowell: "My favorite New Year's resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure."
@eXentRic_: Excuse me waiter, I'm in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?