@fro_vo

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

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@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@abbycohenwl

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

@Lindsay_Bloch

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

@better_off_dad

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

@phalguy

Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice