“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.