Twitter: The addiction that talks back.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.