@fro_vo

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

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@maurajbg

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

@Darlainky

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@thejessbess

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

@JamesHavoc

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.