How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫