@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

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@karanbirtinna

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

@patnspankme

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

@Breadery

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

@Kids_kubed

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.