How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
let’s discuss
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
How to properly lift a body
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.