How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds


Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.


I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.


Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit


me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.