How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does