Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
How girls put on their pants:
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?”
Dad: Dammit Zack, you’re 32 and you’re taller than me
Me: But I’m tired of standing
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *