How girls put on their pants:

*Left leg*

*Right leg*








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Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘


Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow


“Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?”

Dad: Dammit Zack, you’re 32 and you’re taller than me

Me: But I’m tired of standing


Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.


My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started


Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *