Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Mmmm canned fish.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.