How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
He just like my cat fr
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”