I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?