How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is