how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids