How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome