cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”
~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks
*takes an exam in a coffin*