@Spaced_Cowboy00

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

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@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

@Dani_Feld

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@EyeSeeYou619

“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks