How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
i choose….tongue
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.