I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does
How I handle confrontation:
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
*reads menu for reasonable amount of time
“I’ll take the food.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.