@AimeeHelene1

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

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@Phook75

I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@novicefather

*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@pixelatedboat

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

@AbbieEvansXO

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.