How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

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I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does


H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”


*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.


Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.


HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet


Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here


The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.