How I’d get arrested…
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well