How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really