Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part