Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: truth or dare
me: is Wyoming real
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂