@LoveNLunchmeat

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

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@djdarrellripley

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

@Dawn_M_

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

@JoeCharles119

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@KPMoore8

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂