How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.