How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

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Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..


If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.


me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare


My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.


Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.


My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂